Grannies go  bananas

Lynn and her mother, Norma, were at the restaurant when we arrived, and Mary Lou and

June got there a few minutes later. It had been years since the women had seen one another. And I just hoped June had forgotten how much she despised Hazel.

 

“Myrtle Sue! It’s so good to see you,” June said. “And is this your mama?”

 

Hazel glared at June. “Hell, no, I ain’t her mama.”

 

“Thank the Lord,” I said softly.

 

“Oh, so you’re Sam’s mama,” June said. “Aw do recall meetin’ you long time ago. Nice seein’ you agin. Come here and let me hug your neck, all of you.”

 

Hazel snarled.“You sure do have a terrible Southern accent, don’t you? You ain’t hugging my neck, you old biddy. I know what you’d do, you’d try choking me.”

 

“Oh, Lordy, Myrtle Sue, she’s a damned Yankee, ain’t she?”

 

June came over and hugged my neck. After all, she was Southern and they loved that phrase.

 

“Now, Mother, don’t get started on the Civil War,” Mary Lou said.

 

“I’m a Yankee,” Norma said. “Raised and born in Indiana. And there isn’t a thing wrong with that.”

 

“Damned tootin’,” Hazel said.

 

“So, June, how have you been?” I asked.

 

“Fine, just fine. I’m eighty-two now ya know.”

 

“Well, you look like you’re ninety-two,” Hazel said.

 

“Hazel!”

 

Thank Heaven the waitress came to take our orders and we settled in to talk about our children. The three old blues sat quietly, sipping at their sodas.

 

“Did aw tell ya how my neighbors invited me to a party?” June said.

 

“No, but do tell all,” Lynn said.

 

“Well, they’re all damned Yankees. None of them stay up North anymore, ya know. So we were looking at some cheap jewelry they wanted us to buy, when Wanda, she’s my next-door neighbor, she says she wanted to have a pole party. Now what in Heaven’s name is a pole party, I asked.

 

“Now ya girls are younga and I reckon ya heard of such a thang, but I sure neva did.”

 

Hazel wrinkled her nose at June. “Oh, for Heaven’s sakes. A pole party is when those Ho’s dance around them to entice men to give them money, or sex.”

 

June glared at her, but continued her story. “And they said, Junie, ya just oughta get you a pole to dance around. Aw simply couldn’t believe my ears. Aw told them I didn’t want to dance around some stupid pole and aw didn’t want to have sex with anyone now that my Ralph was gone.”

 

“Yeah, well, you’re such a stick in the mud,” Hazel said.

 

“At least I neva was a whore like you, Hazel,” June said.

 

Hazel picked up her drink and smiled at June. “So I got a little money for doing some fun things. What’s wrong with that?”

 

“Hazel! You did no such thing,” I said.

 

“How would you know? You and Sam didn’t visit me when I lived in Arizona. I was lonesome out there.”

 

I rolled my eyes at my friends and they both stifled a laugh.

 

“So, Norma,” June said, “What are ya doin’ these days?”

 

“Nothing but sitting around,” she said. “Lynnie goes to work and I have to stay home all alone.”

 

“Mother, you can always go to the Senior Citizen events, but you refuse to do anything for yourself,” Lynn said.

 

We all started talking about the kids again and the grandkids and how life used to be when we were younger.

 

Our lunch arrived and I cut Hazel’s sandwich in half. She continued telling tales of her loose and wild days.

 

When June finished her food, she pushed her plate away and glared at Hazel. “Ya know somethin’, Hazel? You’re full of shit.”

 

“Huh! You’re just jealous.”

 

Norma had been pretty quiet, when suddenly it was like she became possessed. Her hands began to shake and her drink sloshed onto the table. She leaned on the table and hissed at Hazel. “Evil, evil! You are soooo evil!”

 

“Who you calling evil?” Hazel said.

 

“You are eeeeeevvilllllll!”

 

“Mother, hush!”

 

I glanced at Lynn. She glared at her mother. I thought for a minute she was going to stuff her napkin into her mother’s mouth.

 

“I will not hush. She’s the type of woman who steals other women’s husbands. She’s just like that jezebel your daddy had an affair with.”

 

Lynn knitted her brows. “Daddy had an affair?”

 

“Yes! He had an affair when you were ten years old. He said it was my fault because I was cold as ice. He said I was a terrible mother and a horrible wife.”

 

“Is that when you went to the hospital for a while?”

 

“Yes, your sweet, precious daddy drove me to despair. I’m glad he’s dead,” she said.

 

“My goodness,” June said. “Ain’t this just a fun outin’?”

 

“Well, now that lunch is finished, I think I’d better get Hazel home for a nap,” I said. I motioned to the waitress for our checks and hoped she’d show up before another argument broke out.

 

“But I wanna hear more about Lynn’s daddy’s affair,” June said.

 

“So do I,” Lynn said. “Mommy, you’re just making that up, aren’t you?”

 

“No, Lynnie, I’m not. Now let’s go.” Norma stood and nearly knocked the table over.

 

“We have to wait for our checks, Mom. Sit down.”

 

“Don’t you talk like that to me. I had to put up with your dear sweet daddy, and I’m not putting up with you ordering me around.”

 

June stared at Norma. “Well, aw do declare. I think she has a spine after all. I’m so happy my husband was devoted to me, not some womanizer like Judith’s was.”

 

Norma reached over and grabbed June’s arm. “How do you know? He may have cheated on you behind your back. Men are evil creatures.”

 

She shook her head. “Yes, some are. But not my Ralph.”

 

“Well, I do declare,” Hazel said, mocking June. “We just might put him up for Sainthood. Saint Ralph. How’s that?”

 

“Don’t choo go poking no fun at my man. He was a saint. I cain’t help it if your man dropped dead when he turned forty. Guess that was his way to get rid of you. No one blamed him, ya know. Poor man, all you did was belittle him.”

 

“Did not!”

 

“Did too!”

 

I glanced up and saw the waitress coming our way with our checks. “Thanks heavens, here’s our checks. Now all of you just shush for a minute while we pay for your lunches.”

 

We all left big tips, feeling horrible for the waitress who had to deal with us. But Hazel reached in the middle of the table and took the tip money. I grabbed it back and took her arm, and led her away from the table.

 

“Look at that thief,” June said. “Always knew she was no good.”

 

“Mother, shush,” Mary Lou said.

 

“She’s a whore and a thief,” Norma said.

 

Lynn took her mother’s arm and led her to the door. When she caught up with me she said, “Maybe this wasn’t one of your best ideas.”

 

I tightened my mouth and glanced at Hazel. “Maybe not.”

 

June turned and made faces at the other women. Hazel took her cane and tried to hit June and Norma. Norma swore loudly at Hazel. I quickly got Hazel into the car, locked the doors, and sped away.